Just to make sure i have a post on my b’day

Yeap, I’m 20. The big number. The age of which you’re not considered a teenager anymore (which sadly, though unsaid, erases your right to be silly and mad) but you’re not actually an adult for you’re only an adult when you’re 21.

It’s strange to finally hit the big 2. I feel rather sad that I’m no longer a teenager. Even when I was still 19, I felt rather separated from my teenage friends, especially my 17 year old cousin (who looks like 22). The love for them all was still there, but somehow there was a lack of familarity. A strange, unexplainable sense of “responsibility” and awareness despite all the silly screw up bullshit that we did.

This was all apparent in me even before I hit 20. I felt this since I entered college(pre-u) and then university. It made me feel extremely depressed for quite sometime.

I knew I was no longer the old Kirksman, and I felt a definite distance between them. I could NOT relate to my close friends despite how much I wanted to. How much I tried. Though I tried my best to hide it, to conceal the differences, I knew that things were changing.

I didn’t like the changes, I felt more and more like my old man. His boring seriousness, his “objective” view towards everything, his rational ideas which lack imagination. These were all coming into my face.

I can still view things in a very different prespective, but these prespectives….were not linear to my friends. THe closesest people around me. I was slowly becoming more solemn. I started having very different thoughts about many things that we shared in common previously.

It was a definite sign of changes. Maturity? I was often accused of the lack of, but now I feel that I’ve fast fowarded myself a little too far and turned myself into a 30 year old grey haired president of the fishmonger association. My jokes, turned to be far more technical and definitely needed a little neuronic activity.

Yet when given the opportunity to really explore my thoughts and desires (sounds like a JFK poem), I feel an explosive, instinctive need to laugh, run, flip and play. Just to be a kid again. It’s like..it’s a true state of confusion. When I am alone, in the confines of the four walls in my bedroom, maddening thoughts and questions run through my mind. I sometimes, feel like that insomniac psycho that speaks to himself and actively converses to his alter ego. Yet, wheN i’m with people, I feel much more at ease. Like, the less fearful part comes out and tells my mind to enjoy itself and cease worrying.

It’s truthfully an inexplicable feeling when I get to run off like that. It’s pleasureable in the most nonchalantly innocent way. Yet …….ah, forget it. I won’t be able to speak of it. It’s highly complex for me to understand, what more the minds of others whom stand not of my shoes. 

My hands are torn, my mind’s weary, my body’s retreating and I am tired. I’m merely 20. I’m too young to suffer a burnout. Something must be done to make it more meaningful. I need people around me. I can’t isolate myself to the walls of the library and the hard covers of the text books and the pages of those motivational books. I’m not such a person. I enjoy those books, but they are slow eating into my personality like a raving cavity. I’m using speeches that I would’ve never thought would sound familiar to myself. I’m speaking like a raving lunatic, worse of all..to myself. Too much thinking, destroyes sanity, pleasures the mind. The mind when left uncontrolled, and unattended to, becomes a frightening self destructive element.

Blergh……….

Myth=I Am A Nihilist . Fact=You Are An Asshole

I.

Me.

Mua.

Yes I am selfish.

You see, I went off to KL on Friday, to meet my cousins, my friends, go to the hitzfm b’day bash(for like…1 hour?) watch my cousins get their tattoos, go the the F1 race, go to the F1 party and buy “something” Then I abandoned my assignment mates in Melaka while I went to enjoy my ass in KL.

Enjoy? Yeah right, I was concerned bout it all weekend. Then I was supposed to take a “TQM” (For those fools who don’t know what google is, TQM means total quality management) explanation thing about a company for my assignment. However, I reached KL kinda late and I didn’t really know the way to that particular place. It’s not exactly in the middle of KL, it’s more like around the outskirts, around Shah Alam and I definitely wasn’t very well versed on that area. Also we were rushing to meet some people.

Big mistake, the night didn’t end till 6AM. And by the time we woke up, it was already like……1PM? I got a phone call from my assignment mates and got rushed to get the “thingie”. Called the guy, he said he was already out and could only give it to me on Sunday, tomorrow. Can’t do anything already right….so okay la, just gotta go along as the day comes.

Now if ur wonderin how the heck I was gonna pass the “TQM book” to my friends, they wanted me to scan it. Now apparently, they said one of the feller’s bro had a scanner and I could borrow it and scan it for them and send it down. Problem is…..my cousin’s computers require an authorization to install things, and the only person authorised to install is my aunt, who wasn’t in M’sia. I couldn’t get to convey this part to them, and I’m being blamed all day long.

Again this time we came back at bout 4.30AM and slept about 6AM only to wake up at 9AM to get my cousins tattooed. Oh heck, I rushed to meet the feller, go the “book” which was about the size of a kindergarden playbook, took lunch and drove back home.

And that was when I found out how pissed they were….woah, not good. Anyway wat’s done is done, this must be by far the most boring and most terriblest written entry I’ve ever made in my life. Fuk yall.

It gets ya pissed

I almost didn’t want to continue writing this post, cuz I wrote the “Intelligent Quote” thingie and it looked so good I didn’t want to let my horribly written post spoil it all.

Thing is, I’m kinda feeling annoyed with a lil someone who’s bloody important to me. It’s like, what’s happening to that person? Ever since that person went to college, that person’s being more and more ……in a diplomatically sensitive way, problematic. In street terms ………..well fucked up. I guess peer pressure really does change people in ways never thought imaginable.

It was never bout how much cash you had in your pockets, it wasn’t about the stupid brands people who are obsessed with stare at. It wasn’t about all that, there wasn’t any politicking. It was mere talks, laughs. It was almost like girl talk…..with a dude. It’s like, each time the phone was put down, I’d just like call again just to say bye again.

I wish the person still stayed in high school. IT was so much better then. Laughing about the stupidest things in the world, talkin about just about everything and anything. It was fun. Despite the age difference of a few years, it was easy to click. It was amazing how well we could click. I could say, when I arrived home,the first thing I would do was msg this person about how my day was and asked how his/her’s was.

I’m dissapointed with this person. My cousin and I wanna talk to her/him about it, but she/he’s kinda stubborn. And stubborn, is still and understatement. She/he’d never admit he/she’s wrong…and more often than not, can be rather piercing. The words off his/her tongue, don’t seem to follow the right order of the English dictionary. Still, I’m gonna be wearing a “insult/sarcasm” suit and trudge on this battle to returning my beloved friend to his/her former state. I may fail in my “quest” to remind him/her of his/her beautiful former self, but I do not want to regret saying I never tried. If I tried, and don’t suceed……..fuck no I didn’t try hard enough.

Or should i just accept that as we age, we change. Some for the better, some for the worse, and I’m in no position to judge what may be better for him/her? That even my current condition may not be the best, and that perhaps I’m not up to his/her par? And that I should change my pool of friends?

I don’t know…but i love her/him so much, I ain’t givin up without a fight to prove something is wrong somewhere. She/he can screw me and lambast me all she/he wants,but as long as she/he becomes better and doesn’t get viewed as a moron in the eyes of the society and people he/she’s with, i’m satisfied.

Intelligent Quote Of The Day Which Wasn’t Copied:
~Nobody Said You’re Too Old. Only You Set That Excuse For Yourself~